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Funny Stuff

Damian

Damian

New member
2 diaries

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long,so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.       

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you,too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


Husband's Diary:

A four putt;  who the f*ck four putts?
 
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.     

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did. 

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.   

Two friends are fishing near a bridge.Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.  When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.  His mate turns to him and says," Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen. "Dave replies," Well we were married for nearly 20 years "   

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador Retriever.  "f**k that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind" 

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead."  The operator says  ? how do you know??  He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up! 

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*n*s she had ever laid her hands on.  I said "You're pulling my leg" 

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.  They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.   

A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.  The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him.  "Where are you from?  You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously."What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist."  "What on earth is one of those?".  "I mount animals."  "Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.   

Spent $40 on eBay last week for a p*n*s enlarger.  Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!   

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!  At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.   

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.    Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.   

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.  At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.   

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?  One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.   

An old lady is being examined by the Dr.  He asks have you ever been bedridden?  She says ?yes I have, and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too!? 

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!  Do you think I should change Dentists?   

A wife says to her husband  ?you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.?  He says  ?what do you expect?  You?re in a wheel chair. ? 

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said  ? I would like to come back as a cow.?  ? I said you?re obviously not f--k--g listening.?   

Under new E.U. law the word "gypsy" is no longer politically correct. They have to be called (caravan utilising nomadic travelers) or C.*.N.T.S. for short.   

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. 

Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the Emergency Ward.  Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.
 
A Newfoundlander was walking home  late at night and sees a woman in the Shadows.
'Twenty dollars' she  whispers.
Perry had never been with a hooker  before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in  the bushes.
They're going 'at it' for a minute  when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police  officer.
'What's going on here, people?'  asks the officer.
'I'm making love to me wife!,' the  Newfoundlander answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I  didn't know'.
'Well, neidder did I, til ya  shined da light in her face'.
 
                                        Down South


                                          Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.  That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind.  He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter.  "But I figured no one's gonna  steal Henry!"

                                          Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help.  If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."


                                        Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

                                          Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

                                        North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.  Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back.  He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back.  I never did understand it neither."


                                        Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.  The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
                                          Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.  The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch?  Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied.  "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "


***
Y'all kin say whut ya want 'about the South, but ya never heard nobody sayin' they wuz retirin' an' movin' up North.
 
5693600408_312f2dd673_b.jpg
 
Rum & Coke

A Baptist minister was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St. John's .

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Newfie asked for Rum & Coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust.....

"I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen prostitutes than let liquor touch my lips."

The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
 
http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/08/teen-charged-with-planning-to-blow-up-tampa-school/1

Last paragraph is awesome

On Sunday evening, he posted this interesting item on his Facebook status page: "The weirdest thing happened today ... when my homie was trying to connect to a wireless network the connections list came up and one of them was called: FBI_SURVEILLANCE_VAN? It was weird
Click to expand...
 
Political Science for Dummies
DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone. 

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE 

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, CANADIAN STYLE

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pour the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
 
FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You drink some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You drink some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.


FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
 
Dad buys a Lie Detector Robot which slaps people when they lie.  He decides to test it at dinner.  "Son, where were you today?"  The son says "At school, Dad."  Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a DVD at my friend's house!"  "What DVD?" "Toy Story."  Robot slaps the son again!  "Ok, it was a porno", cries the son.  Dad yells, "What?! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!"  Robot then slaps the dad!  Mom laughs "HaHaHa!  He's totally YOUR son!"  Robot then slaps the mom.
 
http://www.cp24.com/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20110908/110908_drunk_moose/20110908/?hub=CP24Extras said:
STOCKHOLM, Sweden ? A seemingly intoxicated moose has been discovered entangled in an apple tree by a stunned Swede.

Per Johansson says he heard a roar from his vacationing neighbour's garden in southwestern Sweden late Tuesday and went to have a look. There, he found a female moose kicking about in the tree. The animal was likely drunk from eating fermented apples.

With the help of police and rescue services, the 45-year-old Johansson later managed to set the moose free in part by sawing off tree branches.

But the animal appeared confused and wandered into Johansson's garden, where she was still resting Thursday.

Other neighbours in the Goteborg suburb Saro had seen the animal sneaking around the area for days. Johansson said the moose appeared to be sick, drunk or "half-stupid."

416_cp24_moose_in_tree_110908.jpg
Click to expand...
 
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries.  "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Vancouver Island, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful highlands, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and ocean. The people from  Vancouver Island are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "Not very far from Vancouver Island is a place called Ottawa.............Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
 
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