Funny Stuff
- Thread starter Damian
- Start date
That belongs under the CRINGE thread.Chicken and the Egg
A chicken goes to Las Vegas for a convention. After checking in, he
goes down and plays some blackjack. He spots an egg across the room,
their eyes meet and BOOM, their blood begins to boil.
They meet halfway across the floor and without a word, head upstairs
to the chicken?s room, unlock the door and go at it madly on the bed.
A couple of seconds later the chicken convulses, rolls off the egg and
lights a cigarette.
The egg says ?I guess we answered that old question!?.
A chicken goes to Las Vegas for a convention. After checking in, he
goes down and plays some blackjack. He spots an egg across the room,
their eyes meet and BOOM, their blood begins to boil.
They meet halfway across the floor and without a word, head upstairs
to the chicken?s room, unlock the door and go at it madly on the bed.
A couple of seconds later the chicken convulses, rolls off the egg and
lights a cigarette.
The egg says ?I guess we answered that old question!?.
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days................
A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy , clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy , clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
Idle Thoughts of a Retiree's Wandering Mind:
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
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All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
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If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
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What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
********************
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
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Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and when he grows up
he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
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Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
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One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
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If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
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Is it me -- or do Buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
********************
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
********************
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
********************
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
********************
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
********************
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and when he grows up
he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
********************
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
********************
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
********************
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
********************
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
********************
Is it me -- or do Buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Is it supposed to be funny? I don't know, but I laughed (and cringed at the same time)
http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/Health/20111102/ultrasound-testicle-screaming-man-face-111102/
http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/Health/20111102/ultrasound-testicle-screaming-man-face-111102/
Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff
no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'
'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'
'Have you farted yet?'
'No.'
'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in New Zealand '
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff
no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'
'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'
'Have you farted yet?'
'No.'
'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in New Zealand '
Famous Hockey quotes: ???
10. "Guys, I don't want to tell you half-truths, unless they're completely accurate." - coach Alain Vigneault.
9. "Luc Robitaille is a great kid and good player, but ask anybody on the street and they'd probably think Luc Robitaille is a type of salad dressing." - L.A. Kings owner Bruce McNall on why he brought Wayne Gretzky to Hollywood in 1988.
8. "We only speak two languages here: English and profanity." - Penguins coach Kevin Constantine on the many languages spoken by his team.
7. "He's the kind of guy who will stab you in the back right to your face." - St. Louis Blues superstar Brett Hull on coach Mike Keenan.
6. "We have only one person to blame, and that's each other." - New York Rangers defenseman Barry Beck.
5. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." - Saku Koivu.
4. "Getting cut in the face is a pain in the butt." - Calgary Flames' Theo Fleury.
3. "Wayne came over to the bench one day after seeing (Zdeno) Chara, and said 'That's why I'm quitting.'" - Rangers coach John Muckler, laughing about Wayne Gretzky's comment on Ottawa's 6'9" defenseman Zdeno Chara.
2. "Tell him he's Wayne Gretzky." - Oilers coach Ted Green, after Shaun Van Allen suffered a concussion and couldn't remember who he was.
1. "How would you like it if, at your job, every time you made the slightest mistake a little red light went on over your head and 18,000 people stood up and screamed at you?" - Hall of Fame Montreal Canadiens goalie Jacques Plante.
BEST QUOTE EVER
When asked why he wore a cup but not a helmet, Gordie Howe responded, "you can always get someone else to do your thinking for you."
10. "Guys, I don't want to tell you half-truths, unless they're completely accurate." - coach Alain Vigneault.
9. "Luc Robitaille is a great kid and good player, but ask anybody on the street and they'd probably think Luc Robitaille is a type of salad dressing." - L.A. Kings owner Bruce McNall on why he brought Wayne Gretzky to Hollywood in 1988.
8. "We only speak two languages here: English and profanity." - Penguins coach Kevin Constantine on the many languages spoken by his team.
7. "He's the kind of guy who will stab you in the back right to your face." - St. Louis Blues superstar Brett Hull on coach Mike Keenan.
6. "We have only one person to blame, and that's each other." - New York Rangers defenseman Barry Beck.
5. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." - Saku Koivu.
4. "Getting cut in the face is a pain in the butt." - Calgary Flames' Theo Fleury.
3. "Wayne came over to the bench one day after seeing (Zdeno) Chara, and said 'That's why I'm quitting.'" - Rangers coach John Muckler, laughing about Wayne Gretzky's comment on Ottawa's 6'9" defenseman Zdeno Chara.
2. "Tell him he's Wayne Gretzky." - Oilers coach Ted Green, after Shaun Van Allen suffered a concussion and couldn't remember who he was.
1. "How would you like it if, at your job, every time you made the slightest mistake a little red light went on over your head and 18,000 people stood up and screamed at you?" - Hall of Fame Montreal Canadiens goalie Jacques Plante.
BEST QUOTE EVER
When asked why he wore a cup but not a helmet, Gordie Howe responded, "you can always get someone else to do your thinking for you."
Leafaholic99
New member
http://moncton.kijiji.ca/c-buy-and-sell-tools-equipment-11HP-29-Snowblower-W0QQAdIdZ332915918
Leafaholic99
New member
24
Britishbulldog
Active member
Leafaholic99 said:
LOL! That is from here. Now a lot of people know that Monctonians are laid back and fun.
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....
A guy owned a small family marina. The Dept. of Labor claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded the agent.
"Well" replied the owner, "there's the mechanic who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $400 a week plus free room and board. The yard guy has been here for 18 months and I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 a week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of burbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to- the half-wit", says the agent.
"You're talkin to him", replied the boss
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded the agent.
"Well" replied the owner, "there's the mechanic who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $400 a week plus free room and board. The yard guy has been here for 18 months and I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 a week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of burbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to- the half-wit", says the agent.
"You're talkin to him", replied the boss
Damian
New member
Story from an OPP Officer:
I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on Hwy 401 Eastbound at Hwy 400. I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.The lady took out the required information and handed it to me. In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age)to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of.
She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a f#cking thing!"
I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on Hwy 401 Eastbound at Hwy 400. I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.The lady took out the required information and handed it to me. In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age)to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of.
She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a f#cking thing!"
One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street,so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they ! are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park ......" Then the power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says ... "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they ! are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park ......" Then the power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says ... "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.
God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me $h!*!!!"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.
God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me $h!*!!!"
Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I
went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said,
'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an ?arsehole?.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Mary called him a ?shit head?.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.
they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I
went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said,
'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an ?arsehole?.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Mary called him a ?shit head?.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.
Leafaholic99
New member
A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.
"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."
The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.
"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."