Depression and Anxiety

[Britishbulldog]

Changing topics a little, and not wanting to take anything away from BB's terrible news...

I have mixed news. Actually GOOD news, I guess, although I'm struggling to see it that way. I've been granted CPP-Disability. Very seldom does one get it for mental health, especially without a lengthy appeal first. My mixed feelings are that my family doc and psychiatrist suggest I may never be healthy enough to work again... Kinda gives me a feeling of being pretty damn useless as a human being, husband & parent. I'm in a really big anxiety state over this now...

In case anyone doesn't know - I've spent over 60 days since May in hospital at various times for severe depression, panic attacks, Agoraphobia and suicidal tendancies.

Should be a decent retro cheque coming from CPP, although I'll likely have to pay back much of it for the time I was on EIB sick benefits.

That is good news Rick!

 

[Bender]

I don't know where to put this, but I thought this was a goo a place as any.

My girlfriend of three years, whom I am living with currently, has all but broken up with me. I have no idea what to do right now. I feel we can make it work if we just tried harder (I guess it's easy to get complacent when you move in together for the first time) but she said that we want different things in our lives. She wants assurance of a marriage and kids, and those are things that I simply cannot guarantee. At 24, I do not want to have kids. I've barely even started a career and still need a few more certifications before I'm satisfied.

Marriage? Every marriage I know is in the process of or has already fallen apart. I am deathly afraid of marriage not of commitment but because it's an institution that, in my opinion, is a sham. I don't want the pagentry and attention. I'd rather save a whole bunch of money and put a down payment on a house and get in order financially.

Anyway, she believes these differences are too big to overcome. She hasn't said we're officially broken up yet, and I tried to pry it out of her but she wouldn't say it. But she repeatedly said she doesn't think it's something we can work on. We were going to talk about it yesterday, but there's nothing to talk about... She knows I think its because we have different work hours and don't have time to do a lot together. But its all so confusing as last week she was very close to me, we went out and had a good time, and she was planning a bloody vacation up until a couple days before. I just feel so sick to my stomach.

Besides the whole being an emotional mess, we have a year lease together and I can't afford to just pack up and leave to a new place, and I don't want to move back in with the parents *shudder.

I have no idea how to think/feel or what to say/do in this situation. I've never been broken up with, and the living together just adds a very depressing twist.

 

[Manson]

I don't know where to put this, but I thought this was a goo a place as any.

My girlfriend of three years, whom I am living with currently, has all but broken up with me. I have no idea what to do right now. I feel we can make it work if we just tried harder (I guess it's easy to get complacent when you move in together for the first time) but she said that we want different things in our lives. She wants assurance of a marriage and kids, and those are things that I simply cannot guarantee. At 24, I do not want to have kids. I've barely even started a career and still need a few more certifications before I'm satisfied.

Marriage? Every marriage I know is in the process of or has already fallen apart. I am deathly afraid of marriage not of commitment but because it's an institution that, in my opinion, is a sham. I don't want the pagentry and attention. I'd rather save a whole bunch of money and put a down payment on a house and get in order financially.

Anyway, she believes these differences are too big to overcome. She hasn't said we're officially broken up yet, and I tried to pry it out of her but she wouldn't say it. But she repeatedly said she doesn't think it's something we can work on. We were going to talk about it yesterday, but there's nothing to talk about... She knows I think its because we have different work hours and don't have time to do a lot together. But its all so confusing as last week she was very close to me, we went out and had a good time, and she was planning a bloody vacation up until a couple days before. I just feel so sick to my stomach.

Besides the whole being an emotional mess, we have a year lease together and I can't afford to just pack up and leave to a new place, and I don't want to move back in with the parents *shudder.

I have no idea how to think/feel or what to say/do in this situation. I've never been broken up with, and the living together just adds a very depressing twist.

I hate to break it to you, but girls want a marriage and a family.

Your situation is so common, the girl wants a wedding and kids, and the guy thinks the wedding is pointless and having kids hasn't even crossed his mind. It is really the classic scenario of a young couple.

As pointless as the wedding seems to the guy (you're already committed, why do you need to drop $20K to prove it) it is extremely important to most girls.  Most girls dream of their big day for a long time and is one of the biggest days of their life...probably second only to....having a baby.  Living just "common law" can be a depressing thought to them, especially with no kids...it just seems so "highschool".  At some point, they want a husband, not just a boyfriend.  They don't want to wait too long to have kids either because it takes such a physical toll and they want to be able to recover while still young, there's more risks to having kids after 30, and no one wants to be an "old mom".

This is a disagreement I don't think you're going to win.  You won't change her mind of something that is so important to her, and if you do get her to accept it, she will be living miserably.

You're only 24, so I don't expect you to get it, I certainly didn't when I was 24. 

It doesn't even sound like she needs you to get married and have kids immediately (although she probably would love that), but she needs to know it's part of the plan.  She's giving you some leeway.  If you can't commit to it being part of the plan, then she's not going to stick around.

 

[Bullfrog]

Manson's generalizations aside, kids and marriage truly are fundamental issues. If there isn't agreement there, it could be a major stumbling block to a successful relationship. But people do change, too. My wife never wanted kids then one day she completely changed and now we have a wonderful boy.

That aside, I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling. Sometimes love just isn't enough.

 

[AlmosGirl]

Bender, I'm sorry you are going through this.  Some great insight and advice from Manson and BF.

It sounds like you both want completely different things in your lives and unless one or both of you are willing to accept some changes or come to some kind of agreement, then I don't think it's going to work.

I'm sorry that your haven't experienced "good" marriages in your life.  Honestly, I know you hear the negatives but there are alot of good long lasting marriages out there.  My parents are almost at 50 yrs and myself and my hubby will be celebrating 20 yrs of marriage this August and add in 3 kids.  Have they all been blissful?  No, all marriages have their ups and downs but it depends on if you are willing to work at it and it's work, I won't lie about that.

I hope that you both can come to a point where you are content and happy with whatever decision you decide to make.

 

[Kin]

My girlfriend of three years, whom I am living with currently, has all but broken up with me. I have no idea what to do right now. I feel we can make it work if we just tried harder (I guess it's easy to get complacent when you move in together for the first time) but she said that we want different things in our lives. She wants assurance of a marriage and kids, and those are things that I simply cannot guarantee. At 24, I do not want to have kids. I've barely even started a career and still need a few more certifications before I'm satisfied.

Marriage? Every marriage I know is in the process of or has already fallen apart. I am deathly afraid of marriage not of commitment but because it's an institution that, in my opinion, is a sham. I don't want the pagentry and attention. I'd rather save a whole bunch of money and put a down payment on a house and get in order financially.

Anyway, she believes these differences are too big to overcome.

I empathize. I've been in a similar situation.

Don't pay too much attention to the generalizations being tossed around. My relationship, where she wanted marriage and stability and kids and such, didn't work out because I wasn't ready/didn't want those things. But there are women who aren't sure about kids. Or who don't want a wedding with all the frills. In the time since my significant break-up, I've dated women like that. So long as you're up-front about stuff like that there's not a problem.

Anyways, to you specifically, your girlfriend might be right. Those are big issues. If you're not on the same page regarding them, even when it comes to where you might be eventually, it can be very hard to work around.

Sorry to hear you're going through it though. I know it's not easy.

 

[Bender]

My girlfriend of three years, whom I am living with currently, has all but broken up with me. I have no idea what to do right now. I feel we can make it work if we just tried harder (I guess it's easy to get complacent when you move in together for the first time) but she said that we want different things in our lives. She wants assurance of a marriage and kids, and those are things that I simply cannot guarantee. At 24, I do not want to have kids. I've barely even started a career and still need a few more certifications before I'm satisfied.

Marriage? Every marriage I know is in the process of or has already fallen apart. I am deathly afraid of marriage not of commitment but because it's an institution that, in my opinion, is a sham. I don't want the pagentry and attention. I'd rather save a whole bunch of money and put a down payment on a house and get in order financially.

Anyway, she believes these differences are too big to overcome.

I empathize. I've been in a similar situation.

Don't pay too much attention to the generalizations being tossed around. My relationship, where she wanted marriage and stability and kids and such, didn't work out because I wasn't ready/didn't want those things. But there are women who aren't sure about kids. Or who don't want a wedding with all the frills. In the time since my significant break-up, I've dated women like that. So long as you're up-front about stuff like that there's not a problem.

Anyways, to you specifically, your girlfriend might be right. Those are big issues. If you're not on the same page regarding them, even when it comes to where you might be eventually, it can be very hard to work around.

Sorry to hear you're going through it though. I know it's not easy.

I know, being 24 I'm coming to grips with this. As Manson alluded to, I think banking $20k to put into a down payment for a house or condo is money far better spent.

Again, a woman who wants to have kids, their perspective is different. My perspective is this: You have to be damn sure you're ok that you are responsible for bringing a life into the world. However, I'm just kind of bleak about it. I mean, yeah, there's a sanctity to it, but at the same time, life is cruel and hard, and that person you're bringing into the world has no say into it (I know it might sound silly) being forced into the world we live in, especially now with humanity on the brink of destroying itself in multiple ways, doesn't sit well with me.

I'd rather adopt, we've got enough needy kids in the world but I think it's no dice for that.

I just don't know. I'm wavering. I love my girlfriend, we have (had?) a good thing going, and I do want to be a part of her life, but I'm not the kind of person that makes promises I can't keep. I can't guarantee that shit won't hit the fan 20 years from now. I can't guarantee I won't be hit by a bus tomorrow. All I can do is do my best and be as authentic and true as possible.

I guess I still have quite a lot of thinking to do before I state my case to her...

Thanks for your input guys, it means a lot to me.

 

[sucka]

Pretty apt place to talk about marriage i'd say!  But all kidding aside, being married doesn't automatically mean you have to include all the pageanty normally associated with one.  All it then becomes is just a formality, just sign the papers and go.  So maybe you can both compromise by you agreeing to marriage and she can take a step in your direction by keeping it as simple as possible.  If that's a go, you're off to a great start already.

 

[Bullfrog]

I don't want to take it too far off topic, but who spends $20k on a wedding?

My whole wedding cost less than $2000, including hotel room, hall rental, booze, etc.

 

[maplesyrup]

I don't want to take it too far off topic, but who spends $20k on a wedding?

My whole wedding cost less than $2000, including hotel room, hall rental, booze, etc.

We eloped... Got married in Barbados... 1 week at a top-notch all inclusive. - Treated like royalty.... Spent about as much on the whole shootin' match as my little sister did on just THE LIMOS for her wedding. - Her FIRST wedding, that is. 

 

[Bender]

I don't want to take it too far off topic, but who spends $20k on a wedding?

My whole wedding cost less than $2000, including hotel room, hall rental, booze, etc.

I don't think it's that uncommon for people these days tbh. People spending beyond their means is the norm.
http://www.weddingbells.ca/results/

 

[L K]

I don't want to take it too far off topic, but who spends $20k on a wedding?

My whole wedding cost less than $2000, including hotel room, hall rental, booze, etc.

Depends on the family background I guess.  My wedding wasn't cheap mostly because of the bar tab.  But you can get gouged by things like the photographer for insane amounts of money if you go the absolutely "professional" route rather than a cheaper (and IMO equally able) guy with a fancy SLR camera.

 

[Kin]

I don't want to take it too far off topic, but who spends $20k on a wedding?

My whole wedding cost less than $2000, including hotel room, hall rental, booze, etc.

20k really isn't all that crazy a number. I know people who have spent twice that. Admittedly, though, those were weddings with several hundred guests and in downtown Toronto.

 

[Corn Flake]

I don't want to take it too far off topic, but who spends $20k on a wedding?

My whole wedding cost less than $2000, including hotel room, hall rental, booze, etc.

Depends on the family background I guess.  My wedding wasn't cheap mostly because of the bar tab.  But you can get gouged by things like the photographer for insane amounts of money if you go the absolutely "professional" route rather than a cheaper (and IMO equally able) guy with a fancy SLR camera.

My wife "gouges" people every season with wedding photography.

Seriously... I never get why people cheap out on a photographer.  You know the person entrusted to preserve memories of the biggest day of your life.  People who hire Cousin Jimmy with the fancy SLR usually learn after the day why that was a bad idea.  Almost every single time it backfires.

....buuuuuuut i digress...

 

[Bender]

Sooooo...

My girlfriend and I had a talk over yesterday. I told her I made up my mind and decided to man up and that there's no point stringing her along without commitment, that I do see her in my long term future. I said the cornerstone to get that spark back would be to spend more time together doing more varied things, being open more and playful, and put this behind us and start fresh.

Then she drops a bombshell that she doesn't know if she feels the same anymore, has to think about it etc. She doesn't want to give up on the relationship, however, because of the way she feels right now she doesn't know if it can work.

This is fair I guess. I've never been in a situation like this, and while I think that we can reignite that spark, because you have to change her mood, not her mind, you can't convince someone to be with you, so that's why I think it's not really logical decision to make, but I don't think feels that way. I don't know, maybe it's too fargone.

 

[BlueWhiteBlood]

Sooooo...

My girlfriend and I had a talk over yesterday. I told her I made up my mind and decided to man up and that there's no point stringing her along without commitment, that I do see her in my long term future. I said the cornerstone to get that spark back would be to spend more time together doing more varied things, being open more and playful, and put this behind us and start fresh.

Then she drops a bombshell that she doesn't know if she feels the same anymore, has to think about it etc. She doesn't want to give up on the relationship, however, because of the way she feels right now she doesn't know if it can work.

This is fair I guess. I've never been in a situation like this, and while I think that we can reignite that spark, because you have to change her mood, not her mind, you can't convince someone to be with you, so that's why I think it's not really logical decision to make, but I don't think feels that way. I don't know, maybe it's too fargone.

I don't like when this situation happens, I've seen it before. My take on these things is that if you don't know now if you love the person you're with, it's not there. My advice is to get out now, before anymore hurt comes your way, because if you have hope that she is going to come back with the answer you want, you're going to be more hurt if it doesn't go that way.

Maybe I'm a cynic, but I've seen this movie before and it's not a happy ending. I would worry that she is either looking for something else, or she's going to leave on her terms, or both, which won't be good for you.

Please don't take this as me simply being against your partner, because I'm not, obviously I don't know anything about her, or you for that matter. I am just giving you another side to consider, because I don't want you to get hurt worse than it's already going to be, if things don't work out.

For the record, I hope things work out for you and your mate, but I believe that if you love somebody, you can get through anything and you should know whether you love them or not. True love conquers all, even issues such as the ones you've outlined are difficult in your original post. I know I'm black and white sounding with this, but it's since served me well.

 

[Bender]

Sooooo...

My girlfriend and I had a talk over yesterday. I told her I made up my mind and decided to man up and that there's no point stringing her along without commitment, that I do see her in my long term future. I said the cornerstone to get that spark back would be to spend more time together doing more varied things, being open more and playful, and put this behind us and start fresh.

Then she drops a bombshell that she doesn't know if she feels the same anymore, has to think about it etc. She doesn't want to give up on the relationship, however, because of the way she feels right now she doesn't know if it can work.

This is fair I guess. I've never been in a situation like this, and while I think that we can reignite that spark, because you have to change her mood, not her mind, you can't convince someone to be with you, so that's why I think it's not really logical decision to make, but I don't think feels that way. I don't know, maybe it's too fargone.

I don't like when this situation happens, I've seen it before. My take on these things is that if you don't know now if you love the person you're with, it's not there. My advice is to get out now, before anymore hurt comes your way, because if you have hope that she is going to come back with the answer you want, you're going to be more hurt if it doesn't go that way.

Maybe I'm a cynic, but I've seen this movie before and it's not a happy ending. I would worry that she is either looking for something else, or she's going to leave on her terms, or both, which won't be good for you.

Please don't take this as me simply being against your partner, because I'm not, obviously I don't know anything about her, or you for that matter. I am just giving you another side to consider, because I don't want you to get hurt worse than it's already going to be, if things don't work out.

For the record, I hope things work out for you and your mate, but I believe that if you love somebody, you can get through anything and you should know whether you love them or not. True love conquers all, even issues such as the ones you've outlined are difficult in your original post. I know I'm black and white sounding with this, but it's since served me well.

I get where you're coming from, and I agree with you: Love should be able to overcome nearly anything. And I know maybe I'll be hurt further by thinking there is hope when there may be none. Maybe that flame is gone. I know she still cares about me and wants the best for me, but to be honest, it was kind of a bombshell for her to say that she might not have feelings for me anymore. And maybe it is what it is, that the flame just kinda went out over time (we did let it slide the last couple of months), but at least my conscience will be clear that I did try at it, and didn't just throw it away, and that my commitment to making things right was clear.

I remember my previous relationship, I broke up with my girlfriend basically because I thought I didn't feel anything for her. In reality I gave up too quickly and realized I still had feelings for her. By that point it was too late, and have always regretted it. I'll be damned if I make the same mistake this time, even if it means I get my heart run over a second time.

 

[BlueWhiteBlood]

I get where you're coming from, and I agree with you: Love should be able to overcome nearly anything. And I know maybe I'll be hurt further by thinking there is hope when there may be none. Maybe that flame is gone. I know she still cares about me and wants the best for me, but to be honest, it was kind of a bombshell for her to say that she might not have feelings for me anymore. And maybe it is what it is, that the flame just kinda went out over time (we did let it slide the last couple of months), but at least my conscience will be clear that I did try at it, and didn't just throw it away, and that my commitment to making things right was clear.

I remember my previous relationship, I broke up with my girlfriend basically because I thought I didn't feel anything for her. In reality I gave up too quickly and realized I still had feelings for her. By that point it was too late, and have always regretted it. I'll be damned if I make the same mistake this time, even if it means I get my heart run over a second time.

I believe that we learn from every situation in life, good or bad and maybe this is something you and her have to learn together. It's inevitable we all get hurt along the way, but if you learn the right lessons, you both come out stronger I suppose.

It sounds like you already have a grasp on this situation, I was just offering another side of things, because I care a lot about people and hope to lesson the burden if I can. Whatever happens I believe it was meant to be and that there was something to be learned from it. Hopefully, everybody that has responded to you helped reassure you, that you are handling things the best way you can.

Good luck to you

 

[Bender]

I get where you're coming from, and I agree with you: Love should be able to overcome nearly anything. And I know maybe I'll be hurt further by thinking there is hope when there may be none. Maybe that flame is gone. I know she still cares about me and wants the best for me, but to be honest, it was kind of a bombshell for her to say that she might not have feelings for me anymore. And maybe it is what it is, that the flame just kinda went out over time (we did let it slide the last couple of months), but at least my conscience will be clear that I did try at it, and didn't just throw it away, and that my commitment to making things right was clear.

I remember my previous relationship, I broke up with my girlfriend basically because I thought I didn't feel anything for her. In reality I gave up too quickly and realized I still had feelings for her. By that point it was too late, and have always regretted it. I'll be damned if I make the same mistake this time, even if it means I get my heart run over a second time.

I believe that we learn from every situation in life, good or bad and maybe this is something you and her have to learn together. It's inevitable we all get hurt along the way, but if you learn the right lessons, you both come out stronger I suppose.

It sounds like you already have a grasp on this situation, I was just offering another side of things, because I care a lot about people and hope to lesson the burden if I can. Whatever happens I believe it was meant to be and that there was something to be learned from it. Hopefully, everybody that has responded to you helped reassure you, that you are handling things the best way you can.

Good luck to you

Oh yeah, this helps a lot. I can't rely on family or friends, they all have a skewed view on relationships or will look at it with a certain slant in mind. Some friends are all about playing the game, some are 100% about the relationship and usually apply it to me, and I always feel like their advice doesn't help.

I'm very grateful for the advice I've been given here, especially in my time of need. It's something that I couldn't just not talk about with others, and want to thank everyone who's been helping me through this so far.

 

[sucka]

Sooooo...

My girlfriend and I had a talk over yesterday. I told her I made up my mind and decided to man up and that there's no point stringing her along without commitment, that I do see her in my long term future. I said the cornerstone to get that spark back would be to spend more time together doing more varied things, being open more and playful, and put this behind us and start fresh.

Then she drops a bombshell that she doesn't know if she feels the same anymore, has to think about it etc. She doesn't want to give up on the relationship, however, because of the way she feels right now she doesn't know if it can work.

This is fair I guess. I've never been in a situation like this, and while I think that we can reignite that spark, because you have to change her mood, not her mind, you can't convince someone to be with you, so that's why I think it's not really logical decision to make, but I don't think feels that way. I don't know, maybe it's too fargone.

I don't like when this situation happens, I've seen it before. My take on these things is that if you don't know now if you love the person you're with, it's not there. My advice is to get out now, before anymore hurt comes your way, because if you have hope that she is going to come back with the answer you want, you're going to be more hurt if it doesn't go that way.

Maybe I'm a cynic, but I've seen this movie before and it's not a happy ending. I would worry that she is either looking for something else, or she's going to leave on her terms, or both, which won't be good for you.

Please don't take this as me simply being against your partner, because I'm not, obviously I don't know anything about her, or you for that matter. I am just giving you another side to consider, because I don't want you to get hurt worse than it's already going to be, if things don't work out.

For the record, I hope things work out for you and your mate, but I believe that if you love somebody, you can get through anything and you should know whether you love them or not. True love conquers all, even issues such as the ones you've outlined are difficult in your original post. I know I'm black and white sounding with this, but it's since served me well.

That is really great advice.  If the fundamentals aren't there, marriage isn't going to magically make it better...it just leads to a slow burn to resentment.  But if you guys have something really good going on, then don't sweat the small stuff - those things will seem inconsequential over time.
Best marriage advice an uncle gave me: "Always deny everything!"